The Excuse Book

Ahh, race season is underway. The long Sunday ride has been swapped for the Saturday all-day drive and race. Don’t worry biker, bikewife will take care of it. I’ll take the kids to T-ball, do the grocery shopping, and get everything done so when you get back from your race you can relax. And Sunday? Of course, that’s your ‘recovery’ day. I understand.

What I don’t understand is why you do it. You spend all winter preparing for this; for your ‘big year’. We eat what you want, we buy what you ‘need’, and we wave you off for your Sunday ‘base miles’ then come pick you up when you bonk. We love you, so we support you. But somehow, that ‘big year’ just doesn’t seem to arrive. You race, and race, and it looks good to me. So you were ‘in the pack’, ‘top twenty’, or whatever. Good job, and I mean that. You raced, you played with your friends, you got some exercise, why can’t you be happy about it? This is supposed to be fun after all, right? So why, why, do you always have to come home with an excuse?

Bike wives have heard all your excuses for a mediocre race performance - some of them several times. We don't let on that we know that really, once again, you just weren't fast enough, because we really are proud of you - anyway.  For our sake, though, this year see if you can come up with new ones, because frankly we're bored with the old chestnuts of the Cyclist's Guide to Race Day Excuses. This trusted volume has many, many chapters, but let’s take a look at a few of the most dog-eared pages…

The Mechanical Chapter

These are the easiest and best excuses. ‘How’d it go?’ your bikebuddy will ask back at the parking lot. You’ll shrug, look nonchalant, and say, ‘Great, until I got a mechanical’. If you’re really smooth, you can even get that to replace your DNF or your mid-peloton position on the results sheet. No one ever says what their mechanical was, lest anyone look into it too closely. No one ever says, 'my rear derailleur packed up, would you mind taking a look at is and see if you can see what’s wrong?’ And your bikebuddy won’t ask. It’s an unwritten rule of the weekend warriors. He’ll nod knowingly, and say, ‘man, that sucks, better luck next time.’ And you both will pack up your (not broken at all) toys and go home.

Yep, it was definitely a mechanical...

 

If you’re lucky, you might actually get close to a real mechanical, and therefore close to a real excuse. One of my favorites occurred at a big race in France. A bikebuddy of mine (whose own bikewife opted to enjoy the warm sunshine at the beach with the kids instead or waiting for another mid-division finish), was clearly upset about his fair-to-middling performance that day. So, 'What happened?', I asked, expecting to see him take the excuse book out of his jersey pocket and flip through for an answer. No, this guy was ready. 

Him: Mechanical.

Me: What exactly?

Him: Well, I had a flat.

Fair enough I thought, that is a mechanical. But at this race we had race cars. He should have had a wheel right there.

As if reading my mind he said: So, I got my spare wheel, and got it swapped round real quick. But, I didn’t realize the rim was wider that my aero wheels. I didn’t adjust the brakes and was dragging on the rim the whole way.

Okay, I thought. That’s sort of a mechanical. It’s also sort of stupid. 

The Fitness Chapter

I know you have trained hard. I know you are at the peak of fitness. And I know you were ready to win. You would have too, if you hadn’t gone skiing yesterday, overtrained with that heavy-duty power interval session on the trainer last Wednesday, or…bikewives, you fill in the rest.  The best ones are when it’s bikewife's fault, although biker won’t say it directly. Yeah, mowing the lawn yesterday must’ve really taken it out of your quads. Really? Is that so? 

Or, maybe you messed up your training plan, the one that needs eight spreadsheets on the computer and all kinds of complicated equipment to measure. Maybe you didn’t do the right base/intervals/sprints or whatever. Maybe you got your ‘periodization’ wrong and weren’t really at your peak. Maybe you need to do a VO2max test and find out what’s wrong. Or maybe - you need to just ride your bike a little more? No, you’re right, it’s all in the science. After all, your motto is ‘don’t train harder, train smarter’. That’s why we pay that coach, right?

The Other Guy Chapter

No, I don’t mean you acknowledged the other guy was faster, stronger, better prepared. No I mean the other guys that messed up your race. The newbie that couldn’t corner so slowed you down every time (and probably prevented your own demise). The team mate who was supposed to lead you out but was nowhere to be seen at the sprint finish. The other team’s guy that cut you off as he turned up to lead out their eventual winner and messed up your rhythm. That other guy.